This blog post has been updated from March 3rd of 2020
Anybody can sign up for a Yelp account, and a Yelp Elite is not given that status due to their knowledge, Elite status is more like a participation trophy.
Whatever platform you are on, Yelp, Twitter, Instagram, to WordPress, there is a certain amount of responsibility you need to have when yelping, tweeting, gramming, and blogging (especially at my 3rd grade level of writing ability).
Yes, I am talking about Yelpers because, for some reason, Google Places ratings always seem to be a little higher with less whining (also, yes, I was a Yelper before blogging because it was the Tinder of its day for people who all love food).
What You Don’t Know, Only Makes You a Total Dick To Most Business Owners/Sushi Chefs
Of course, I am no expert myself, but I do try hard not to be that misinformed Yelper or blogger. Even though Yelp’s criteria of being “useful” is only 1 out of 3 of “useful, funny, and cool,” I do try harder for the sake of the businesses. I also hope you will do the same when you are searching for that “sushi bar near me,” and I hope you take these 8 points to mind when scrolling through the reviews.
1. “Like, It Was Not Fresh Because It Did Not Melt in My Mouth”
This has got to be the most commonly said thing in a Yelp review, and if you say it, don’t worry, you are here now, that is all in the past.
Tender and soft sushi toppings is not because it is “fresh” bro/brah.
When it comes to eating fresh chicken, beef, or fish, do not expect it to be tender right out of the slaughterhouse, the coop, or the ocean. Beef to fish get better with aging (a couple of hours to a couple of weeks), and “fresh” is not everything you thought it was.
Although, the exception to aging is shellfish (ebi, kani, to asari) and several types of hikarimono (saba, aji, to iwashi), which are both best when fresh. If it were not for refrigeration, you would have to live near the coast to eat these fresh.
2. “The Rice Just Broke Apart”
That is what it is supposed to do, but if it fell apart after you had the rice lounging in your soy sauce, that is your fault.
If done right, each rice kernel breaks apart in your mouth for the perfect blend of rice to topping mastication.
If you are going to enjoy good sushi, you should be enjoying it all. From how a properly formed nigiri will break apart (not sticky/chewy) when you bite into it. Each grain of rice should have the right amount of tooth to each kernel, to the sushi shari/sumeshi (rice) at perfect body temperature, unless you are dead. To top it all off, a proper shari su (seasoning: is a typical blend of salt, sugar, vinegar, sake/mirin, and konbu) is key to sushi rice. If that all happens, all I got to say is, respect the rice.
3. “What’s Fresh?”
Asking this to the sushi chef does not signify to them, ensure, or define you as a connoisseur. Instead, it labels you as a d’bag because every time I hear it being asked at a Japanese sushi bar to the sushi chef, I cringe. The reason being is that they would not be serving it if it were not at its optimum “freshness.” The old stuff gets thrown out or cooked and fed to the staff (I know that from firsthand experience).
Not the dude who still bathes in Drakkar Noir.
Although if you’re going to ask if it’s fresh, you’re better off asking about that hot dog at 7-11 which I think you already know the answer to because the roller grill, heat lamps, deep fryer, and Chef Mic(rowave) always says “yeah buddy, it’s very fresh.”
4. “The Fish Smells Fishy”
It’s Fish. If you do not complain about pork being too porky, beef being too beefy, or chicken being too, well chickeny, if that is a thing, maybe you just don’t like fish.
That dry-aged beefy steak is the result of everybody’s favorite naturally occurring homie, glutamates (like as in MSG or where umami comes from).
Fish also being too fishy seems to only be an issue when it comes to Americans which is why most Americans do not like or favor hikarimono (iwashi to kohada aka silver, shiny fish). That’s not the case with the Japanese because they love it, but that should not be a surprise since Japan is a seafood-loving country.
Also, any fish to beef that is aged, has increased glutamates aka the stuff that makes it taste beefier, fishier, and tastier. So it will also have a stronger smell.
5. “the Color of My Uni Was Not Bright Colored”
The color of uni can change due to the variety, region it’s from, to the season. Except for one Yelper I was acquainted with did not know that, and she gave a restaurant that I frequented a negative review because “like OMG, they served me old uni, it wasn’t fresh, it was a darker color.”
There is a reason why a hot dog to a Twinkie tastes the same all the time, it’s processed. Unlike, you know, a sea urchin from the ocean.
I know what they had served her, so I dropped her a message saying: “you might be used to Santa Barbara red sea urchin which is typically bigger and a vibrant yellowish-orange. You’re lucky because you got to try the smaller Japanese bafun uni (aka-uni), which is a dark orange/brownish and is commonly from the Hokkaido region.”
I don’t remember what her response was, but I’ll just leave it at “the more you know.” #psa #🌈
6. “I’m Bougie Because I Eat the Fish off of the Rice”
What I’m about to describe to you is horrific (the horror, the horror). There are people out there that will not eat the rice in nigiri sushi because they are on a low-carb diet (ok, bro/brah), or they think it is some devious ploy by sushi bars of adding filler (douche). If the latter is you, just please order sashimi (pictured) because I get why it would be a good idea to do that at times, such as at hack sushi bars. Like AYCE sushi in Las Vegas buffet lines comes to mind, and I don’t falter the drones of tourists eating the fish off of the rice like locust because the sushi rice isn’t the greatest.
Except, what I don’t get is going into a legitimate sushi bar to do that because, with nigiri sushi, it is an integral part. Some Japanese sushi chefs would say it is as much as 60-80% of what truly defines great sushi (I agree).
7. “I Like My Fish as Big as Possible (Size Queens)”
“The piece of fish was so small.” Well, if you’re touting this on Yelp as a primary metric for you, nothing can fill that mouth of yours.
The size of the neta (topping) is based upon it being a bite-size piece, and the thickness of the piece will vary depending on the type of ingredient such as fattier cuts being thinner. If not, you would have a slab of fat sitting on your tongue, although a lite torching will resolve that.
Well, the motion of the ocean probably does play a part in fish size/growth.Me being me, I Googled the above like a nerd, here you go.
Other instances would be with chewier ingredients like ika (squid) to tako (octopus), and having it cut slightly thinner would be easier to chew.
You can think you’re getting more, but you’re paying for it, so the bottom line here is, bigger is not better (I tell that to myself all the time). So try to enjoy sushi the way it was meant to be without all your size requirements, you size queen.
8. “I’m From (LA, SF, NY) and Like, I Know Sushi”
Yea, this one is usually laughable, and my “cool” compliment is on its way.
Not to say that there are not great sushi spots outside of large coastal cities, but with air shipments, refrigerated trucks, to a massive infrastructure, it’s not as much of a shocker anymore to find decent sushi bars in rural areas. Although it can be slim pickings to find legit sushi chefs/restaurants in these areas, LA, SF, to NY is not the end all be all.
Ok podunks, big city folk up in the house.
The biggest reason why this is hilarious is that I have looked at the profiles of the people making these comments, and they typically go to places like Sushi Fest Miso Hungry AYCE in the IE (I made up that restaurant BTW) throughout their reviews. So yea, you’re not a hamburger expert just because you are from the United States.
I Know “Meh, I’ve Read Better, More Informative Articles (1-Star or 0-Stars if I Could Give No Stars)”
I deserve at least a participation trophy tho.