I Feel Like Top Ramen’s Bottom Bitch For Trying It

I gave in and tried the vegetarian soy sauce Top Ramen for the first time because it was the only one left on the shelves, and now I feel like a cuck.

One of the symptoms of COVID-19 is a loss of smell and taste, and I had to go sniff a lemon and a Reese’s peanut butter cup that I coincidentally had laying around just to see if it was the Top Ramen or coronavirus.

They used every buzzword possible to try an appeal to us fatass Americans as a healthy noodle option.

A hot Asian girls/dudes bathtub water

What else could “oriental flavor” be?

3 packets: soy sauce flavoring, vegetables, and “flavor sauce.”

The Nissin pitch


Now you can take Top Ramen anywhere! Ready in three minutes, Top Ramen Bowls are portable, microwaveable and customizable so you can enjoy all that noodle goodness on the go or at work. Plus, there are no dishes to clean up afterwards! Each Top Ramen Bowl is stacked with veggies—including red bell peppers, green onions, corn and carrots—with no added MSG. And each delicious bowl comes with its own unique flavor sauce inside—teriyaki for Chicken, garlic for Shrimp and sesame for Soy Sauce. Now wherever there’s a microwave, you’re only three minutes away from a tasty Top Ramen meal!

– Nissin Foods
They did list “dehydrated soy sauce” as an ingredient, but I think it’s only here in spirit.

It tastes nothing like shoyu ramen

How hard is it to have something taste like shoyu (soy sauce)? Nissin in eff’n Japanese, yet they’re struggling to do a shoyu ramen, wtf. Although I blame the failure on it being vegetarian.

I’d be impressed if they made the container edible (it wouldn’t be too far off from what’s inside).

Who asked for a vegetarian ramen

I do not know how big the market is for an instant Japanese vegetarian ramen, but Nissin seems to think it is worth a dedicated product.

A product I have no problem purchasing because this guy loves vegetables and vegetarian food, but I am not loving this product at all.

The problem with a cheap/affordable and an instant product is that you need to rely on quality ingredients to provide a depth of flavor (for umami). If not, sesame oil, a variety of veggies, and a lot of synthetic ingredients such as hydrolyzed corn protein (a flavor enhancer) to disodium guanylate (another flavor enhancer) are required.

The Chicago dog with kraut, dill pickles, white onions, tomato slices, relish, and sport peppers were all added for a more balanced diet during the Great Depression, but now in 2020, this is what we get.

Cuz America

Even with all those flavor enhancers, it still can’t provide a depth of flavor to save the dried corn, dried green onion, dried leek flake, dried red bell pepper, to garlic powder to create a flavor that is identifiable as either Japanese or anything appetizing.

This product is a product that is meant to appease Americans to make them feel better about themselves that they are doing something healthy in a $1 bowl of instant noodles.

Is this every vegetarians dream meal (Nissin thinks so).

Top Ramen reminds you that you are eating instant ramen with every bite

Nissin Cup Noodles to Top Ramen all have that instant ramen noodle consistency which is soft and spongy due to the use of fried noodles to dehydrate them which does not have the appealing tooth and texture of an air-dried or fresh ramen noodle.

Flaccid with no body.


Limp flaccid noodles and a bland soup base are for a certain someone, but it is not for me because I may love my vegetables, although I have no issue eating seafood to meat. Trying to relegate myself to a strict diet of vegetables is just silly for me, and in the future, you can watch me eat a bowl of seafood (niboshi to katsuobushi), pork (tonkotsu) or chicken (tori paitain to chintan) ramen so that you can get that cuckold ramen experience.

Nissin Foods

About Nissin Foods founder Momofuku Ando

There is only one company that can rightfully claim the Pinnacle of Noodledom. Only one company whose founder, faced with a Japanese food shortage after WWII, invented instant ramen and sparked a 3-minute global revolution. Only one whose spirit of innovation continues to provide simple, nourishing delight to billions of people. Only one that has been loved around the world for more than 60 years. There is only one Nissin Foods.

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