When doing your business in el bano (bathroom), if it reminds people of how you have no shame when eating a chocolate eclair or chocolate fudge pie, might I suggest the bidets below (wash) versus a handful of tissue (wipe).
Not everybody hoards toilet paper or napkins in case of a zombie apocalypse, so a bidet to handle your nether regions, undercarriage, where the sun doesn’t shine, aka, your backside, may be the environmentally friendly and convenient option. It is also an option already common in Japan, throughout Asia, parts of Latin America, and Europe. Well, that is till we have a significant water shortage, and we all go Mad Max fighting over water (who runs Bartertown?).
The marketing copy for a lot of these bidet brands will use analogies and euphemisms, so I will translate parts of it into the language we speak in Murica, slang.I appreciate the “Hello TUSHY” marketing copy, it is good, and I feel like they are like my brethren.
Disclosure: I only recommend products I would use myself, and all opinions expressed here are my own. This post may contain affiliate links that, at no additional cost to you, I may earn a small commission. So a big fat thank you to everybody who does purchase through my affiliate links because it is very much appreciated. Also, there are several brands where I get absolutely nothing, but I want to support them, and I hope you will do the same (at least you get a bidet in exchange).
Toilet paper is not universal, and many countries do not use it or do not rely on it, so don’t rely on toilet paper when Marshall Law is declared during the next epidemic or catastrophe (BTW, I’m betting on aliens announcing themselves over cordyceps, zombies, or demons).I found that out in South Korea the one time I was out in public needing to drop a deuce.
The TL;DR (the Too Long Didn’t Read)
Central air and washer and dryer combos are not a thing in Japan, but when it comes to toilets, the Japanese are global leaders with the cheeseheads right behind.
- TOTO: the biggest toilet company in the world from Japan.
- KOHLER: cheeseheads from Wisconsin, “go Packers.”
- BEMIS: yous guys in Wisconsin love producing bidets.
- TUSHY: a company marketed towards skinny jeans and sustainable wood types.
The others: Brondell is out of San Francisco, Luxe out of San Diego, and I have not listed the endless amount of Chinese producers on Amazon (I say producers because none of them are really brands).
Before TUSHY was saying “hello” to American sphincters, the Japanese have been saying “konnichiwa oshiri“
Bidet’s and hi-tech toilets have been a thing for the Japanese for a long time which is why 80% of Japanese households already have a toilet-bidet combo installed in their home. What is up America? Why are we lagging behind with this zombie apocalypse toilet paper free solution?
For the record, I want to give credit and a shout out to my Filipino homies who have been using a tabo (a little dipper and a bucket of water).This is not new to so many cultures and a tabo (tah-bo) is a cost-effective work around to a bidet attachment.
What is a bidet for (it is not just for the fudge but also the clam chowder)
A bidet is a bathroom/washroom receptacle for giving a blast of water (or a gentle stream) to your butt crack after defecation or sexual intercourse (for men and women).
The word “bidet” comes from the French so if you order a fill-it-mig-non, then be aware that it is “buh-day” which translates to “pony” because you straddle a bidet.Even Eric Cartman knows this.
Not only is a bidet great after a night out of drinks, Alberto’s at 2-3am, Casa Bonita, and it’s aftermath, but for the ladies and that late night booty call. The bidet is your goto for a convenient way to hose down the excess clam chowder off of your happy clam.
The top three American and the number one and biggest Japanese bidet/toilet brand for your puckered starfish and how they compare
If you Google “Japanese bidet brands,” you will get every brand that is not Japanese, and you will get every product touting how they are “Japanese inspired.” So, this will be the most straightforward list you will find.
Sheboygan Falls, WI
starting as low as
$37.99 to $899 for
a “luxury bidet.”
|From $109.95 to |
|From $400 to|
Ace Electric Bidet
My biggest gripe with a bidet is the feel, and I have tried several Japanese brands in the states and Japan. Out of them all, the seats always feel janky/plasticky (they creak), whereas traditional toilet seats feel like a solid place to plant my booty which is why an attachment is ideal.The reason the seats for some of the toilets are lighter is because many of the products in Japan, the lid will open and close without you having to touch it. So you germaphobes (Howie M.), don’t have to use your foot to kick up the toilet seat/lid.
|MY TWO CENTS ABOUT THE BRANDS|
|If you Google “Japanese bidet,” you will most likely come across an article by BioBidet which is a not a Japanese company. What they are is smart because they do produce a competing product to TOTO a Japanese company. I am sort am not surprised to see this since most Japanese companies are asleep at the wheel when it comes to digital marketing (most Japanese have no clue about the Internet). |
Beyond their marketing, that Google ranking is not unfounded because BioBidet has a product line that looks to be on par with Kohler and TOTO.
|I have a fondness for Kohler since I have homies in Wisconsin, and I had the chance to tour the Kohler factory showroom because that is what you do when vacationing in Wisconsin, aside from eating cheese. |
Beyond my own personal connection with with the state, the product features, and design/styling all seem to be on par with TOTO (Japan).
Also, Kohler has sub-brands that they have registered as trademarks (Puretide, Purewash, and C3), but good luck trying to find out what those mean.
|The world’s largest toilet manufacturer, TOTO Ltd. was founded in Kitakyushu in 1917. TOTO has sold more than 40 million “Washlets” globally since 1980, creating millions of brand advocates around the world (via Japan-Product.com).|
The keywords for TOTO’s Washlet are “Japanese high-tech toilet.” So if you are looking for a “smart toilet,” TOTO is the company, and “Washlet” is TOTO’s sub-brand of products with an automatically opening lid.
Except the high-tech features do not stop there and they offer up heated seats, multiple cleanse options (oscillating to pulsating), and self-cleaning round out the functionality.
The takeaway from their competition is their funky marketing via their video promo for Neorest. It feels like a big pharma ad for restless leg syndrome or anal leakage.
|Hello Tushy||Holy chit, the founder of Tushy is Miki Agrawal, and for you Nihonjins and Nikkei, you are probably like “eeehhh, Miki? Miki’san.” If that is what you were thinking, you are correcto. |
Here is an excerpt about Miki’san: “Miki, the identical twin, Irish triplet, is the daughter of a Japanese mama, and an Indian papa, and by Nationality, French-Canadian (except by Asian judgement standards, a Wall Street dropout but also “a former professional soccer player; a Cornell grad and a proud mama.” Wow, well, I blog and do other stuff.”
The three bidet product types
Every company obviously does not have the same product range, but most of the products segments are common across the board which I will point out/differentiate below.
“For me to poop on.” Yes, Triumph the insult comic dog, you had been touting the purpose of a toilet and bidet for years (well in it, not necessarily on).The only products covered here are 1. bidet attachments and 2. bidet seats.
Bidet attachment for your basic toilets, and are offered with the option of being either electric or non-electric (yes, also for you to poop in).
Bidet Toilet Seat
Bidet attachment seat. Unlike the attachment that sandwiches between your existing seat and toilet, the bidet attachment is complete upper replacement to your toilet (seat and lid).
($400 to several thousand/smart toilet)
Go full bidet with a standalone bidet and toilet combo which are integrated and only offered by large manufacturers (yup, surprise, surprise, also for you to poop in).
There is a 4th option, but I am going to keep it simple, unless you really like the idea of a garden hose like sprayer in your bathroom.
In some countries, the bidet and toilet are separate (even by law) although in the US, the land of the free and bald eagles, we can do our 1s and 2s and washing all in one spot, like Japan.In Italy, by law certain places are required to also have a bidet.
Where to do your 1 and 2’s in either product 1, 2, or 3
|BioBidet||1, 2, 3 (4)||BioBidet has gone full bidet mode|
|Kohler||2, 3||Puretide is an entire bidet seat attachment at the same price as the TUSHY bidet attachment.|
|TUSHY||1||The core products are their bidet attachments.|
|TOTO||2, 3||The company that people associate with “smart toilet” or high-tech Japanese toilets.|
How hard is it to install a bidet?
It depends on if you have a hard time screwing in a lightbulb. If that struggle is real, forget the bidet and use your shower or outdoor garden hose instead (ignore the neighbors prying eyes). If not, read on.
It is fairly EASY and depending on the model, most brands require only an 8-1/2 minute to 15 minute install time with only basic skills required (screwing ability).Some of you are pros at screwing.
- If you are installing a TUSHY Classic 3.0, expect it to take you 8-1/2 minutes or LESS (like if you know “lefty loosey and righty tighty”). That install time should apply to all since the product is a universal fit that sandwiches between the toilet bowl and seat. Except the most hilarious part of their marketing copy is how they gloss over the water hookup “connect the water and you’re done faster than you can say, “Stop wiping, start washing! (this part they say takes 10 minutes, so how does it take 8-1/2?)” Although you will be happy to know it does not require any power.
- TUSHY Spa 3.0, holy wtf, in order to get that warm water, you will need to connect it up to your sink (the hot water line), so your sink has to be close by (like side by side).
- Kohler: Just a few common household tools, like a screwdriver, a wrench and plumbing tape. For most people it takes about 15 minutes. Everything else you need for installation will be included. With each seat comes an inlet water supply hose, a T-Fitting valve for separating flow to the seat and the toilet, and the seat mounting bracket kit. If you’re going the electric or intelligent route, you’ll need an electrical outlet near the toilet for proper installation and use. For additional help and visualization, please check out this video on bidet cleansing seat installation.
Ok, I am sold, how much is a bidet? but which one should I buy?
Rounded up are a few of the major players, and I have listed their product and price ranges. The products highlighted are just a sample of their product line from lowest to highest priced to give you a birds-eye view of these four brands all in one place.
TUSHY is a little tinkle of a company whereas TOTO and Kohler are straight gushers in comparison. Also, as of 2019, TOTO has sold over 50 million Washlets which is a long full stream of bidet sales going back to the 1980’s (TOTO is the biggest in the world).If you want to get the full stats, you will have to go to Thomasnet.com.
BioBidet product line-up sample
|Slim Zero |
Adj. heated seat
Adj. heated seat
Warm air dryer
|Adj. heated seat|
Warm air dryer
UV self clean
Adj heated seat
If you are looking at TUSHY, before you buy, be sure to check out Bemis/BioBidet for their extensive line of competing bidet attachments. Along with Kohler with bidet and seat combos starting at only $110.One is “hip,” the other is delivering more but by cheese loving, fish fy eating, cheese platter, and Packers folk.
Biobidet, Kohler, and TUSHY make price shopping easy because they all have pricing directly on their site. Whereas TOTO, due to their size, you will have to visit one of their fourteen online retailers to get pricing information.
Kohler product line-up sample
|$109.95||Manually operated (no power req)|
|Purewash||$129.99||The other product in Kohler’s line of non-electric bidets (total of two).|
|C3®-050||$239.43 to $479||This appears to be the base model in the C3 line, but it comes with KOHLER’s UV-light technology found in their high-end model below. Other features include self-cleaning wand, deodorization seat, heated seat, warm air-dryer, Quiet-Close lid, and wam water cleansing.|
|It has a lot of the same features as other competing products, plus KOHLER UV-light technology, which automatically cleans the bidet wand every 24 hours, reducing bacteria by 99.9%.*|
On Amazon, These Are the Top Sellers in Bidet Seats
The TOP 10 Amazon Bidet Seats sales will fluctuate in ranking although the brands I have featured will always be in the top ten.Amazon is filled with copycat products, so this content is to help you avoid them.
Brondell, S101, $89
TOTO, SW3084/C5, $400+
TOTO, SW3074/C2, $350+
KOHLER, K-5724-0, $85
BioBidet, BB2000, $481
Luxe Bidet, NEO 120, $37+
BioBidet, 500EC, $55
TOTO, SW3056/S550E, $857
– Chinese brand – $180
BioBidet, 1500EC, $58+
Many consumers will purchase the cheapest Chinese product over American and Japanese brands that have been in business for several decades to a century to save a buck. I will not promote those copycat brands.
TUSHY full bidet product line-up
|Classic 2.0||$69||Non-Electric |
|Ace Electric Bidet|
Warm air dryer
If you are some celebrity reading my content, TOTO is the brand to complement your 8 car garage, indoor basketball court, or your Boxabl 375-square-foot tiny home (in case you’re Elon Musk).TOTO is the Japanese company people think of when they think high-tech Japanese smart toilets. Yes, even Trey Parker and Matt Stone who I bet have immaculately clean buttholes.
TOTO product line-up sample
|• Electronic bidet seat|
• Gentle Aerated, Warm Water, Dual Action Spray with oscillating feature
• Adjustable water temperature and volume settings
• SoftClose® seat
• Convenient arm control panel with illuminated buttons
• Docking station for easy cleaning and installation
• Heated seat with temperature control
|Comes with PREMIST: The PREMIST function sprays the bowl with water before each use, preventing waste buildup and keeping the toilet bowl clean.|
WASHLET C5 is fully automated, featuring a soft rear spray, rear cleanse, and front cleanse with the option of an oscillating or pulsating stream. The controls are located on a slim, wireless remote. The C5 WASHLET features a heated SoftClose® seat with five temperature settings, an air deodorizer, and a warm air dryer with five temperature settings. Easy to install and includes mounting and connection hardware.
|The TOTO K300 WASHLET® Elongated Electric Bidet Toilet Seat with Tankless Instantaneous Water Heating with PREMIST and SoftClose®|
|$1,296||Heated Seat, Remote, eWater+, PREMIST, Night Light, and Auto Open/Close,|
I am trying to find out why $1,300, and it may be due to it having its own tankless water ability, plus the million and one other features. BTW, there is also a $3,700 model, baller mode (no wonder this models name shares a similarity with Mercedes).
Imagine how clean your puckered starfish will be with one of these bidets installed. If you like that idea, I hope this synopsis helped you to find the one that best suits you.
If you were wondering who runs Bartertown, it is a dwarf named Master.